It has been a while .....
I created Maxlifeout to share my journey to make the most of every day and to help inspire you to do the same. Well I have an admission to make. I have fallen into old ways and allowed circumstances to dictate life rather than grab life by the collar. Funny how that happens and how easy it is to fall into old self limiting patterns. I am sharing this blog as real life has ups and downs and today is a down. My wonderful wife inspired me to share this as life is real and the journey the universe puts us on is not always clear.
Back in October, I decided to challenge myself by taking an individual contributor role for a newly formed team. I believed it would be a good fit for my strengths and one were I could make a difference. I throw myself into the new role and let it consume me. Yup there was the first sign, did I mention I am a type A personality, well I am and the full force of that personality was applied.
By the time I got home in the evenings, I was a zombie, all I wanted to do was veg out in front of the TV. That is the toll throwing my all at something has on me, and I tell myself it is worth while. I tried to maintain empowering patterns. In January I completed the online 9 day bike tour of Sufferlandria, boy that was tough, but after the tour, I lost motivation. Over the holidays I took vacation and had enough time to get Foundation Training classes up and running but it was all I could do to maintain the energy to keep them going and failure to market the February classes led to only one class being run. Yup all my energy was being diverted into my new role.
It is funny how you can work so hard and still not be successful, surely they see what I am doing, the difference I am making. Sadly in my experience it is often the times I work the hardest that I am the least successful. Being knocked down whether your fault or not is a lesson, I know this but boy getting up always feels tough no matter how practiced you become. I tell myself, I should have read the role better, I should have seen the signs, I should have, I should have, but the truth is not matter how much I should have, I have arrived at the here and now.
It does not matter that the role and responsibility of the position was not clearly defined or that the support system for a new team member was lacking. It does not matter that doing the right thing upsets the norm and challenges others. It does not matter that manager & peer support is lacking, it does not matter that those you are trying to help love what you are doing when those you work for see you as the problem. All of these and more sound like excuses for failure and you are left feeling why me again.
I am writing to remind myself and you that failure teaches us and is the very definition of taking a risk. I have been humbled by wonderful feedback from those I have supported and the effort they have gone too to support me, including sponsorship for a new role. But the words and actions of your manager still hurt and in that hurt the universe reminds me to let go and remember who I really am. I define who I am and no one else. That is easy to write but much harder to internalize, trust me.
I find my self at a cross road that I will admit is frightening. Do I pursue another Job or it the Universe providing me with the circumstances to let go? Since arriving in the US I have wanted to travel and see the sights I moved 5000 miles to see. Instead I have allowed my career to dictate my life. I want to let go but I am frightened, there I said it, ok not just frightened but terrified to let go. What if I take this as a sign from the universe and I get it wrong? What if I give up my job and can't get another one? What if I am knee jerking because of a bad situation?
I don't know the answer today but just getting these words out have helped. Thank you for reading and if you are facing a struggle, I send you my strength as I ask for yours in return.
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